Today is National Suicide Prevention Day. If I’m being honest I never really thought much about this day before now but this year is different. This year everything is different. This year I understand the pain and heartache of losing someone I love to suicide.
I wish there was something more I could do for people who are struggling but all I can do is let them know that I love them and that I promise it’s not as bad as it seems. I promise that people love you even if they don’t always show it or tell you. I promise that the heartache of losing you will devastate the people you love. This I do know. I know because I live with this pain every single day. I pray no one else ever has to feel this pain. But sadly I know that won’t be the case.
If you need help or someone to talk to please call 1-800-273-8255
As if this year hasn’t been stressful enough with losing shawn and others. Twelve days ago I got a phone call saying my routine mammogram had a spot that looked suspicous. I had an ultrasound and a biospy. They found out I have breast cancer called invasive ductal carcinoma stage 1a. It’s in the milk ducts and it’s less than 1 centimeter in size. I had an MRI last week that showed it hadn’t spread.
In the past 8 days I’ve learned a lot about Breast Cancer. Ohio Health has given me tons of information and has been extremely helpful. I Guess there are lots of things we don’t think about in life until we have to deal with them.
Today we scheduled surgery for July 18th and I had some genetic testing done to see of I have the BRCA gene mutation. Its highly unlikely that I do but since I’m “young” they want to test for it.
The Cancer is small and hasn’t spread. They found it early. The moral of the story is if you are 40 years old or older you should go get your mammogram. I had no symptoms and it couldn’t be felt so the only way of knowing was from my routine mammogram.
I’m not stressed about this. I’m actually just really pissed that Shawn isn’t here with me while I deal with this. But it’s time to put on my big girl pants and deal with it. I’ve feel like I’ve lived through worse this year so this is just another bump in the road of 2019. I can’t wait for 2020. Just saying! š
It’s been 20 weeks since my love passed away. 20 weeks of doing things without him. I had my 1st birthday without him. Ā Just had my 1st Memorial Day with out him. Normally, we’d be camping with him and his friends or kids. This year was definitely not the same. Ā Nothing is the same.
My Timehop app tells me things everyday that we did together. Whether its eating at our favorite restaurant, camping or going in a trip together. Every day there is a memory of us together. Ā Guess that’s why I miss him so much. There wasn’t a day that went by that we weren’t together. It reminded me that he picked me up from the airport 3 years ago with roses and a wonderful card. He said he didn’t need to write in the card because it said everything he wanted to say.
20 weeks without my sweetheart has not been fun. I’m praying it gets easier sooner than later. Ā I can’t wait to see him again.
This weekend was a momentous occasion that Shawn was so excited for. His daughter Kaeleigh graduated from Muskingum University. I truly believe Shawn was there in spirit to witness his baby girl accomplish one of her big goals. It has obviously not been an easy year for her. She has been so strong and courageous. Anyone could have easily given up and quit but she didn’t. I am so proud of her!
I know Shawn was looking forward to celebrating her and that’s exactly what we did this weekend.
Congratulations Kaeleigh! I know God has great things in store for you!
It’s been 4 months since my love passed away. Four months of unimaginable grief, heartache, and loneliness. It’s amazing how you don’t realize how much you love or need someone until they are gone. It’s amazing how much time I actually spent talking and hanging out with him. I know this now because I’m usually by myself ALL the time. People say ” it will get easier” or “give it time.” Well 4 months later and honestly it’s not really any easier. I’ve still cried every day for 120 days. Every single day something happens and I miss him. Whether its an accomplishment that I can’t share with him, a song that comes on the radio that brings back a memory, or just a phone call to him I can’t make anymore.
I know that it will get easier eventually, not quite sure when eventually is. Is it 6 months? Is it a year? I’m not quite sure but I know that it’s been 4 months and it still sucks. My heart still aches every day for my sweetheart that’s not here anymore.
I can’t wait to the day I can see him again. Just wish I didn’t even have to think about it that way. I just wish he had never left!
Four months have passed but no one has told my heart that. I don’t know when it will figure it out. Hopefully soon! š¦
When is it time to forgive?Itās been 16 weeks since everything changed. My whole life changed in an instant. I think Iāve done a decent job of āhanging in thereā at least thatās what I tell people when they ask how Iām doing. If Iām being honest it sucks. Everything just sucks. Life was so easy, it was ānormalā it wasnāt stressful, it was happy. Now it all just sucks. Everything has or is changing and itās not even my fault.
Today I was talking to someone about the Now is the Time note that I found last week. They said to me Now is the time to forgive him and move forward. I realized that I havenāt forgiven him. I havenāt forgiven him for leaving or for taking his own life. I sincerely want to forgive him it just seems so hard to do.Ā I know he felt he had no other choice and he didnāt see another way out. I know this because he spent 3 hours that day telling me that he was giving up and that he couldnāt handle this one unbelievably ridiculous thing that had happened. He told me that he had ārun out of courage.ā Those were his exact words. No matter what I said to him I couldnāt get him to see that things werenāt as bad as they seemed and that everything would be ok.Ā Trust me I spent those 3 hours and the rest of the afternoon telling him things would work out, it will all be ok. But it wasnāt ok and frankly wonāt ever be ok again.Ā
I know that I have to forgive him because deep down I know that he really didnāt want to do this. He didnāt want this to be his legacy, he didnāt want to hurt the people he loved. He wouldnāt have ever wanted to hurt his family and kids like this. I know his heart and I know he didnāt want this to be his ending. I know he had so many dreams and goals, there was so much more he wanted to do. We talked about his dreams so often and we had so many plans.Ā I know this wasn’t the ending he wanted.
I know I need to forgive him but Iām not sure Iām there yet. Iām not sure I even know how. It breaks my heart that Iām so mad at him for what he did. For leaving me and everyone that loved him. I love him so much I donāt want to be mad at him forever. I pray that one day I can forgive him and Iām sure that day will come. I just donāt know when and I know itās probably not today.
This morning I was looking for some medicine in my bag because I’m sick. I knew I had one left so I was looking in a side pocket where I know I had had it yesterday.
I couldn’t find the medicine so I kept searching in this pocket because it was driving me crazy. For some reason I saw this paper folded up. So I opened it. And this is what it said.
I don’t know when he wrote this. I have no clue when it got put in there, I have no idea why it got put there but I’m thankful for it.
This might just be my next tattoo. Now I have to figure out what it is time for. That’s the big question!
Also, I never did find the medicine but I’m ok with that.
Oh Timehop how I hate you sometimes. 1 year ago at this moment Shawn and I were eating dinner at Deweys then I took him to the show Festival of Praise. He had a great time and loved it. Apparently 3 years ago we had lunch together at the water and I talked about how it was the a perfect day. Well today is NOT a perfect day because he is not here to share it with me.
15 weeks you’ve been gone. I think what I miss most is all the little things. Face timing him everyday and him being goofy with all the filters. I miss talking for hours about everything and nothing. I miss just sitting in the car by the water and listening to music for hours. I guess I just miss my best friend. That’s what I miss the most.
2 years ago Shawn and I were down here at Clearwater, his favorite place. I got a room on the water and he fished out on the back deck. He got his all you can eat crab legs and we had a wonderful trip. I’m glad I have lots of pictures and memories but I’d rather have HIM!
The True Heartache of A Suicide Griever 